No pictures of fun things today. I just want to type.
I’ve decided to name this pesky little thing that pops into my head and declares itself home on certain days. It’s my little black sheep and he is spreading his syndrome. His Syndrome of “you don’t fit in” “no one really likes you” “they are just humoring you”.
I know we all have him. But most everyone else has a powerful weapon against him:
The Best Friend.
The Best Friend is the one that you can call at 3am and just start crying and instead of ignoring your call, sighing loudly or asking if it can wait until morning they listen. Even if it’s just about how your favorite pair of shoes kicked the bucket that night and for some reason it made you cry. (this has not happened to me but I’ve heard a story and THAT is an awesome friend!)
Or the one who (in the blogging world) is the person you skype with daily, or text, or call. Then you both plan on being at a conference and you squeal and hug when you see each other, room together, go to events together and are each other’s shadow because you don’t want to miss a minute of ‘in real life’ time.
I have two best friends. Both are male. one is my husband and the other is someone who has been in my life since I was 5. These are not the same as the female best friend.
The female best friend is elusive to me.
I’ve thought I’ve found her 3 times in my life.
Once in high school. But she ended up hurting me and I never trusted her again.
Once in college. Technically she and I are still friends but I have kids and she doesn’t. She’s on the career path & while she finally lives close to me again after being out of state for years–we saw each other more when she lived out of state then we do now. I just feel awkward calling her and that isn’t really what a best friend feels like, right?
Once in a wife of my husband’s co-worker. Again-technically we are friends but not best friends. She has children and is married and her husband does the same work as mine. But sometimes I say things and she just doesn’t get it. Or she tries to talk me out of something that is my heart’s calling under the advice that it’s not good for me. It comes from a place of love but it still hurts.
I know some women are best friends with their moms or sisters. I have both and am not really close with either. This is where it hurts the most and gets me crying. My sister and my mom are a lot alike. I am not like them. This isn’t to say they don’t love me just as I am. But it’s just different when it feels like everyone in your extended family is one way and you are the other.
I can go along for weeks, months, years and not feel bad about not having a best girl friend. Then something hits me and it all comes out in one big blubbery puffy eyed mess.
Today is the big blubbery puffy eyed mess.
Today I’m going to pour my heart out with Shell.
Today I just want to admit that I feel like an annoying, over-sharing, geeky 13 year old who just so desperately wants that ONE friend. The really good one. The one who I can count on and trust and love.
Just one.
I need that one to feel like I fit into this giant world of women & blogging.
No, I don’t want someone to go to conferences with me (although if she blogged too that would be FLIPPIN awesome!) but at least someone to call while I’m there to say how fun it is or to sit and chat with over coffee when I get home.
I feel like I make connections with women and then it turns out it’s not as solid as I thought or I end up feeling left out or like I’m bothering them by calling or meeting up with them.
I went to Blissdom last week.
Nothing like sitting in a room with 749 other women and feeling like the only one who doesn’t have a best friend.
The only one who was not going to be squealing in person with that faraway friend they love and can’t see all the time or the only one who wasn’t going to be texting with the friend back home.
The only one is a lonely place to be.
The odd man (woman) out.
I think back to all the friends I have, and had, over the years and while I have a good friend for most portions of my life, there is not one that I could call to watch my kids on a very last minute notice. Not one that I could ask to take my kids if the unthinkable happened to my husband and I. Not one that would move a body with me if I so needed (do not for-see this one happening–ever but it would be nice to know just in case lol) Not one that I can invite over for coffee event though my house looks like an episode of hoarders.
And I could be completely wrong. Maybe there is one who would do all of that. But isnt’ the true test of friendship that both parties feel that way? I may do all of those things and a drop of a hat for a few people but I don’t feel the reciprocating end of it.
Because I’m missing this black sheep weapon all I hear is:
You don’t fit in.
You are not successful.
People just do that to be nice to you because they pity you.
What does your black sheep tell you?
Have a happy day,
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BY THE WAY: I loved Blissdom and will write a post about the things I learned and people I hung out with but today I just wanted to share the hard truth I discovered while there. PLEASE don’t take this as I didn’t LOVE Blissdom. I DID!!!!
I just want to give you a big virtual hug. You aren’t alone in this. In fact, I think it may be less common to NOT feel this way as a woman.
Misty @ The Family Math recently posted..Eleanore’s Treasures giveaway
Thank you. I will take the virtual hug
Your disclaimer kind of made me giggle b/c that is exactly how I felt about my post today- I had a blast and loved it, but wrote one small piece about what was on my heart.
I have two really good friends(one who is blogging and goes to conferences with me and one that I’ve known forever), but both live far from me. Back here? I don’t have that best friend or anyone close to it.
And I feel so left out. It really sucks.
I LOVED getting to spend more time with you at Blissdom! xo
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: The Positive over the Negative
It does suck doesn’t it? I think the thing that gets me the most is that I feel like there is a window of opportunity for these friendships because either everyone I know found theirs in high school or as young twenty-somethings. I know that’s not true but it just seems that way sometimes.
That’s a very powerful truth and yes, I have that very same Black Sheep that sneaks his evil meddling little self into my head and says to me some of those very same things.
Giant hugs to you.
I came away from Blissdom with a lot of knowledge, happiness and a sense that my uniqueness is okay, it’s wonderful and what makes me, me. and so many other things.. it’s all still up there whirling and swirling and finding places to settle.
Loved getting to hug you – can’t wait to read your next Blissdom post (and others)
Rachel – A Southern Fairytale recently posted..Capturing Bliss
Rachel, thanks for commenting & thanks for the hug at Blissdom
It so funny how Blissdom changes from year to year for me. What I learn, who I see & how I feel after. I have that post-Blissdom swirl going around my head as well.
Oh girl. I understand how you feel. I have been in your shoes, many, many times over the years, especially through so many moves (Hey- let’s be friends- but, um, I’m leaving in a few months). BUT. That doesn’t mean it can’t change. You never quite know when you’re going to find your person. It may be online, it may be in person, but there’s someone out there meant to be your best friend.
You are one of the kindest, sweetest people I have met and I’m happy to call you a friend. I hope you know you can always call on me, and I loved spending time with you at Blissdom.
xoxo
Ashley {at} My Front Porch Swing recently posted..Hard Lessons: Learning how to not disappoint… me
Thank you for your kind comment Ashley! You are one of those people that I think are so kind and helpful and very special. I loved spending more time with you at Blissdom as well! Someday I hope I find my person too but for now I’m ok just being me and hoping that’s enough!
I just wanted to say, that I had a friend email me after the first night of Blissdom and she was feeling exactly the same way. She had met a group of girls but they kind of left her out after a while and she was feeling like the only one at the conference without a best friend. This is what has me freaked out about Haven, knowing lots of ladies but maybe not being connected, having them say Hi but then running off with besties. I am sure you are not the only one who feels this way but I want to say thank you for sharing today.
ange recently posted..Before & After: Little Boy Vintage Americana Room
Ange, First of all thank you for sharing that story about your friend. Next time tell her to come find me LOL Secondly-I’m freaking out about Haven and I’m on the organizing team! We want our conference to be all inclusive and happy so with me feeling like this and being on the team you can bet we will do our best to include everyone. Although I have to say I had a BLAST at Blissdom- it’s not the conference that had me feeling this way. Just overall no one to explain/share how GREAT the conference was.
I think there should be a meet up at these conferences for the ‘best-friend-less’… I’ve only been to one conference… but I definitely felt a little out of place. Maybe like a table at the conference that says… ‘need a buddy, or a pal?’… what do you think?
Mary Jo Vick recently posted..Happy Birthday to Us {and how I might be obsessed with Aqua and Red}
You’re not alone. I just shut down my blog last week…partly because of that same feeling. The blog world to me became about all of these close friendships and business acquaintances and I was just kind of floating along in it all wondering what I was doing wrong…why nobody wanted to be that for me. I imagine that a conference (while fun & exhilirating) would only emphasize that feeling.
I probably could have written a very similar post. I’ve always had trouble with gals. I make friends, but never “best” friends. It’s like I have good friends for each stage of my life, but no one friend that sticks it out through them all and stays a truly great friend.
So yeah. That probably wasn’t much help, but it’s me saying that I get what you’re saying and you are not alone. Not all women out in the world have that incredibly perfect friend. Hugs to you!
Catherine recently posted..Sterling Silver Itty Bitty Om Studs
I’m sorry you shut down your blog-I found that I made more connections faster while at Blissdom last year & those connections continued through the year and propelled me to where I am now. So I think the conference was awesome for casual friends and business contacts. But this was more about the coming home and having no one to ‘share’ with that would really get it. I’m glad you know how I feel-sometimes you just feel better writing it all and then knowing someone else feels the same way. Thanks for the comment!
Kristi,
Wow! Are you lurking around hiding somewhere in my house?! This post feels like it has come right out of my head. I recently started blogging & I am embarrassed to say I really had no idea this world existed until recently. It has been a wonderful journey personally thus far, but I feel like such an outsider. Thinking to myself, like many things in my life that I pursue, I missed the “real” boat & all these bloggers have connections I will never have, but it was a nice thought to think my long lonely days might be filled with connections I could make here. In fact just two weeks ago I told my husband, my best friend, I guess I am just not cut out for this & why is it so difficult for me to make friends with woman? I decided to try again and began blogging some more because of that I have found your blog! Coincidence? I even registered for blogher in August. Sure I may be the lone wolf there, but maybe through it all I will find a black sheep just like me and if we lived close-I’d take her kids at the drop of a hat.
I loved your comment. And no I’m not lurking in your house
Blogging connections took awhile for me to make and it wasn’t until I went to a conference did they really solidify so BlogHer will be amazing for you (and oh my goodness I can’t imagine going to BlogHer-that just overwhelms me lol I like small-ish I think)! I try to remember that blogging is very personal and I learned something very valuable at the opening keynote by Jon Acuff at BlissDom this year: “Never compare your beginning to someone else’s middle” SO TRUE! Hang in there-you will enjoy blogging more if you focus on why you wanted to blog and not on how everyone seems to know one another-because there are millions of blogs and not everyone knows everyone else 
Pinky promise!
I applaud you for going to the conference alone. Even with a friend to stand by, it was hard reaching out to meet new ones, and it didn’t seem to get any easier until day 3. I came back with so many business cards that were my own!
Ellen recently posted..The Bliss Experience
Technically I didn’t go alone-my husband was there (just not in the sessions) and I do know a lot of people from last year and other events but it was more about having the person to share with and dish the details too when I came home that got me. I tried really hard last year to introduce myself to a bunch of people and it helped a lot but man, was it uncomfortable!
I am totally in the same boat! I have some friends from high school that i meet up with everytime I am in town but I feel awkward calling them. I avoid it actually. I’d rather text them… even with big news like “i’m pregnant!”… that’s not a best friend huh?
I have a hard time with women mostly because I always feel so competitive around other women. Like I’m trying to keep up. Sigh. But I AM glad I went to Blissdom, too. Even though I felt so inadequate at so many moments, I feel like it also gave me a boost.
Bravo to you for sharing! You’re definitely not alone.
Samantha recently posted..Meeting a Rock Star vs. feeling like one (and everything else I learned in between…)
A)are you pregnant?
B)I don’t feel competitive really but I understand that other women do and maybe that’s it. I don’t want to keep up so maybe I’m no fun to play “keep up with the Joneses” with 
One of my good friends from high school now lives really close to my parents house and I feel really awkward about just walking over to say hi when I’m visiting my friends. So I know how you feel about the high school friend thing! Thanks for your comment and letting me know I am not alone!
{ Kristi, Girl… if I was up there in Maine right now I’d pull you into a big hug and refuse to let go until you saw who you really are! A really great friend who would move a body for many.
Here is the deal: there are some people in life that have a best friend. One person who they connect with and remain friends with for the rest of their lives.
Then there are those of us who are a friend of many. People who are very likable and easily make friends with many. (I think you and I fit in the latter category.) I have lots of good friends, but not really that one best friend. There are some friends that I have spent more time with and I know better than others. And there are friends that I have met more recently and may someday know inside their heart and soul. But, I don’t focus on that one “best” friend. Instead, I love the journey of meeting and getting to know people along this path of life.
And, one never knows if one of these friends will indeed move a body for you. ;-D xxxooo } Brittany aka Pretty Handy Girl
Brittany (aka Pretty Handy Girl) recently posted..Back from Blissdom and Wallpaper for Windows Winner
Brittany, Your comment made me laugh because you make me sound like the person to call if you get into a illegal situation
I enjoy being the friend of many but sometimes you just want that higher level of intimacy/connection with someone–y’know? It is a fun journey though and I love that you are a part of it xoxo
….bella….owie. ((((((hugs)))))) from Canada. Maybe pray for a best friend. If it’s on your heart, maybe God put it there. Brittany offers wonderful wisdom. Your heart, is the heart of so many. Thanks for sharing the real. It makes me want to be a better friend. <3
Thank you for your wonderful comment! I appreciate it!
You are definitely not alone in your feelings! I don’t have anyone I consider a best friend, and my few “good” friends all live at least an hour away, if not farther. Everyone else falls into the “acquaintance” category. Don’t worry, Kristi! Just keep doing what you do, being you. Besides, what looks like great, close friendships among other women might be more superficial than you think, and that’s probably not what you want either. Hang in there and hope your day improves
Katie recently posted..Half a Closet Reveal & Possible TMI
Kristi… can I tell you, I relate to this post more than you. I have never heard my exact feelings expressed through someone else’s words. My bestie is my husband and I think the lack of a female bestie has turned me in to somewhat of a loaner, but that is not to say I don’t have good female friends. But sharing the things that love (like blogging) or the feelings that only a woman can understand is what’s missing. I know part of this stems from hurt in the past… I guess what I’m say is, its just comforting to know someone else in blogland can relate because I have a feeling had I gone to Blissdom I would have felt the same.
Uncluttered Lifestyle recently posted..Un-Clutter It Thursday – The Party Details
Maybe it’s something that comes with age? Maybe after spending so many years as a painfully shy wallflower I refuse to go back to that place ever again? Maybe because I was lucky enough to meet two amazing women in my 20′s that gave me a boost of confidence like no other? Maybe it’s because when I met my husband I really truly felt like the puzzle was completed …?
But I don’t let myself be the black sheep any longer. Does that make sense? I choose to put myself out there. I choose to be confident in myself and in my “brand.” And I have lucked out and, very early on in this world of blogging, have found that much sought-after connection. But trust me, it wasn’t a fluke. I found her blog and loved her writing so I semi-stalked her comments thread.
And when we meet for the first time at Haven there may be a squeal or ten …
… but we won’t stop there. We have a plan. We want to meet as many of you bloggers as we can. Make some amazing and lasting connections so that when I return to my cozy little house and hide behind my laptop, I have real three-dimensional faces behind all of your blogs …
… and you can come lock arms with us Kristi. That is if you can tolerate a former Jersey girl now city chick and a southern belle that is a tornado of energy … oh, and then there’s our shared snarky off-the-wall humor …
Linda
Linda @ it all started with paint recently posted..wordless(ish) wednesday: cat-dog
As a military family, we’ve moved so much that my husband didn’t have a choice about being my one and only best friend! Over the years I’ve had close friendships with other military spouses, but we always seem to part ways too soon! My husband has retired from the military, and we are now settled in a small town in Alabama. I thought that I would eventually make some female friends, but it just hasn’t happened. I really understand what you’re talking about since I often feel the same way! Sometimes it’s good to be different, and sometimes it’s hard!
I so, so get this. And now I wish I’d gotten to give you a hug on Saturday night!
I have lots of friends, pals, confidantes even. But when it came to Blissdom, I floated around. Granted, I enjoyed it and am so glad that I did – I met so many neat people who I may not have gotten the chance to talk to if I had been busy chatting with the same people all weekend.
But still. I can totally relate – both when it comes to blogging and to “real life”.
Mrs. Jen B recently posted..Using My Gunpowder Effectively
hello sweet fellow blogger,
This post touched my heart.
I read it once. Then I went back to re-read it again to truly imprint it.
Blogging (and the world outside of blogging) can be a lonely place sometimes. I applaud your courage in being real….in being someone who others look up to and are inspired by your very authenticity.
Don’t let comparision steal your joy. Because you, my friend, are a rock star.
Hope to see you at Haven.
blessings,
karianne
thistlewoodfarm recently posted..Shakespeareless
Girl, this makes me sad reading this. I think in our own ways and about our own things, we all have this voice. I feel like IRL i have what you are looking for but in the blog world I feel like a big nerd that nobody likes or wants to hang out with. I get how you are feeling. Btw, you could invite me for coffee to your messy house and I’d be happy to see you and not care about the house. You are special. Know that!! Xo
Your post struck me today. HARD. I don’t have any best friend. In fact I question the solidity of any of my friendships — even those for the friends I have “in the computer” and that know be better than anyone here really even does — and wonder how anyone could like me.
I wish I had seen and spent more time with you at BlissDom! (ps… and that “Austin Powers” like picture I have of you – totally going in my post tomorrow. IF I don’t fall asleep first tonight.)
Julie @DutchBeingMe recently posted..Post- #BlissDom life…
I can so empathize with you. Until this year, I had no best friend. My husband, yes, but a girl best friend, no.
I think a lot of women experience what you wrote about but are too scared to admit it. I have the “lonely” feeling. Sheesh, go to your high school reunion and sit a table by yourself! I loved high school, but when it came time for the reunion, I had no one to run to and squeal with and be so glad to see. I think that hurt a lot.
anyway, I totally get where you are coming from. Been there and done that! and still do it to some degree. I am 40 now and my perspective has changed so much.
hang in there. you are not alone, trust me!!
Kristi, I really feel like you are not alone in this at all. I am like you – I have had several good and close friends over the years, but not that one BEST friend. I’ve always longed for it, but never really had it. And I’ve often thought that something must be wrong with me. But, I look around at other women, and I really think that this is true for a lot of us. I think it’s really hard to find, and maintain, that one best friend friendship, and so it is more elusive to most of us than it may seem to those on the outside. I just wanted you to know that you are definitely not alone in your feelings!
And it was so great meeting you at Blissdom! I wish we could have talked and connected more than we did (I feel like that about most people I met because it was so darn busy!), but you definitely made a happy and positive impression on me, you were sweet, and nice and funny, so thanks for that!
Emily @ Live Renewed recently posted..Your Green Resource — Week 22
No bestie here! I’ve never really had one. I’ve always blamed myself- I’m hard to get to know! Like Brittany said, I’d consider myself a friend of many I suppose. I feel like you have more blogging friends than all of us combined but I do know what you mean about those deeper relationships. At home here I have some good Mommy friends but we don’t share the blogging thing either. My two besties are guys – hubby and my childhood best friend. You & I have that in common!
Erin @ Two Story Cottage recently posted..What I Wore Wednesday, Blissdom Edition
Hugs. I have two I can consider besties but they are not your classic bestie relationships at times. I completely understand where you are coming from.
Anna@DirectionsNotIncluded recently posted..Package Pals – Linking up with C.R.A.F.T.
Hi sweet Kristi! You’ve gotten lots of love and encouragement and understanding from the ladies here today. Obviously you are not alone in how you feel about a best friend… or a best friend at a bloggy conference. I think that ALL do a lot of assuming in these situations… like, I find myself thinking… they are too busy, they are too this or that… I wonder how different things would be if we just ‘pull up like we own the place’… reflecting about The Creative Connection Event that I attended last year, there were several ladies that I really wanted to hang out with and get to know better but I didn’t have the guts to just put it out there. Insecurities for me, I guess. Anyway, I just really feel like something CAN be done because there are so many that feel the same way. What to do?… what to do?….
PS… I think that working from home exacerbates this feeling because I’m not around very many adult humans!!!
Mary Jo Vick recently posted..Happy Birthday to Us {and how I might be obsessed with Aqua and Red}
I’m not alone in being alone! I have s column going up on the same subject next week!